Whether or not all of these worries, distractions, or obsessions about having kids were needed,
they were real, and they were putting my life into a tail-spin.
I have only been that off kilter one other time in my life, and that was when I was diagnosed with an illness that would effect my ability to have kids, and put me in chronic pain and possible blindness for the rest of my life. Who would have thought that something as joyous as the possibility of being pregnant would have the same effect on me.
I was distant from everything, and everyone.
I couldn’t even focus in on anything except baby stuff whether it be articles about their monthly growth, or blogs about getting negative pregnancy tests, or articles about increasing your fertility. I even found myself shopping for reveal gifts hoping I would be able to announce a new little one this Christmas. I am not sure that will be happening now, but
I do know that someday I will be able to announce that to our families with my husband.
I took a test yesterday (4 days before AF is expected). It came up negative and for some reason, it was a huge relief to be able to take it. It totally seems silly but I had let myself get so carried away that
this sort of grounded me.
I still may be pregnant as tests can be very wrong when taken early, however, even if I am not, I am okay with that. I was so convinced that if it was God’s promise for us to be fruitful and multiply, it would have to happen right away.
It will happen, this I know, but in His perfect timing, and now amount of worrying or obsession will change that.
From a Twinkle in our Eyes to a Baby in our Arms 